Kat's Blog of Random Events

This is just something that made me believe in humanity today. I’m not really sure why. It was just very touching to me. Today, this video gave me hope. I think in addition, it reminds me that had my daughter been born and had CRS, she may have still had a good life.



Sex and Regret

So normally I don’t make a New Years Resolution, because really who is going to go to the gym every day for a year? But during the last week of 2012, I hooked up with a friend of mine who I didn’t particularly want to hook up with, but I did anyway because I knew he wanted to and I didn’t know exactly why I didn’t want to, and I didn’t want to argue with him about it. And as soon as we were at my apartment I knew I didn’t really want to have sex. But then I felt guilty for inviting him over and not “following through.”

I’ve realized that I do it more than I think I do, and that I’ve been in denial about doing it for some time now. Too often I’ll hook up with a guy one time, and then after that he’ll think that every time we hang out we need to have sex. Or I’ll hook up with him because I know it will make him happy, even though I know it won’t make me happy. In fact, it makes me miserable. But for whatever reason, I feel guilty saying no. I’ve let myself be pressured into it, and I’ve let myself be talked into it, and I’ve had sex simply because I didn’t feel like explaining why I didn’t want to. And the sad thing is, the guys I hook up with aren’t the type who would probably even be upset if I said no.

With all that being said, my New Years Resolution is to not have sex with anyone that I don’t want to. I’m not saying I want to stop hooking up with people altogether, but I at least know what I want from a hookup now. I want someone that I will talk to again and be friends with after, someone that I can talk to about something serious if need be, I want someone who has good chemistry with me, and I want someone who will understand if I don’t feel like having sex that night.

I’m not looking for a relationship, but I deserve my dignity like anyone else. And I don’t have to explain why I don’t want to have sex if I just don’t feel like it.

That is so Getsbian!

Am I the only LGBT person who finds the word “queer” offensive? It just strikes me as being a divisive, derogatory word that seems to say that LGBT people are inherently different than the rest of the “normal” population. I think “queer” inherently makes people see LGBT persons as different or weird. That being said, it is now time for a new word, an inclusive word that will replace “queer.”

As I was working on an assignment for my Introduction to Critical Sexuality Studies class, and I accidentally wrote “gesbian” instead of “gay and lesbian.” At first I thought it was funny and laughed at it, but as I looked at the word, I thought “that is a much better word than queer.” While talking to my friend Michael about this, we decided that in order to include transgendered people, we would add a T in the middle to make it “getsbian.” In addition, I feel, as a bisexual female, that getsbian is inclusive of the entire LGBT community, and not just gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered individuals because it does not name any one specific group

My Bipolar Diagnosis

So, last spring I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. It’s like Bipolar I, but the mood swings are slightly less extreme (hypomanic instead of manic, etc.) Now, I would like to point out that I am not a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, nor have I seriously studied psychology in any way. These are simply my opinions and knowledge gained as a layperson.

I was diagnosed with depression about 3 years earlier in 2009, but the funny thing about my depression was that it would come and go, and sometimes I’d actually be really happy for a few days or a few weeks. I was on anti-depressants, and they were certainly better than not being on anything, but they never really seemed to “solve” my problems. I always figured that medicine simply wasn’t perfect and that was just the way it was going to be.

But then my psychiatrist moved out of state, so my therapist, Dr. Jill Weber gave me the name of a new psychiatrist. Her name is Dr. Deborah Pacheco and I highly recommend her. She’s in Northern Virginia in the McLean area, and she is the absolute most thorough medical/psychiatric person I have ever met in my life, and believe me I’ve been through plenty (probably 5-10). She talked to me for an hour and a half on my first visit, then had me come back and report on my life several times. After meeting with me for a few months, she said we should consider a diagnosis of Bipolar II. The words were a little shocking and somewhat scary.

I didn’t know much about Bipolar Disorder, but as I did my research, it seemed to fit me more and more. Dr. Pacheco was very kind, she walked me through it every step of the way. She changed my medication and added mood stabilizers. I am happy to report that after months of being on them, I am doing much better. She also told me not to think of it so much as “Bipolar Disorder,” but instead to think of it as more of a “cyclical depression.” Bipolar disorder sounds so severe to me that it’s hard to admit I have it, but a depression that comes and goes and gets extreme and has really high points where I get lots done is EXACTLY my personality. So to anyone who’s been diagnosed, don’t be scared! It’ll be okay. I have my ups and downs, but for the most part the mood stabilizers do their job and I am much better and more controlled for it!

I guess this will be a Thanksgiving post, so I’d just like to thank some people that I know will never read this because they don’t know I have a blog.

I am thankful to be alive. Just over a year ago I was in the hospital, and we weren’t sure if I would make it.

I am thankful for color guard, which has kept me going for a long time. It is the reason I get out of bed every day and how I survived high school. It’s also how I’ve made many of my closest friends. I found a family there, and they’ve gotten me through a lot.

To my sister Elizabeth, I’m grateful to have you in my life. For all the things we’ve done together, and all the long talks we’ve had on the phone, and all the times we’ve had those moments you can only have with someone you’ve grown up with, I’m thankful for you. To my Dad, who has loved and accepted me for who I am my entire life, I can’t thank you enough. You’ve taught me about football, you are the reason I did guard, and always one of my strongest supporters. To my daughter who sadly is not with us, but who lives on in our hearts. I am grateful to you because you’ve showed me what life is really about and how precious it can be. You forced me to grow up when I wasn’t ready, and having you for the blink of an eye when you breathed through my body was the scariest and most amazing time of my life. I will never forget you. But I now know that if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything. And of course to my mother. My dearest mother who has been there through everything. I am so glad to have the most understanding mother on the planet. You’ve been so helpful and so wonderful to me. I don’t know where I would be without you.

I am thankful to my “other” Moms, Colleen and Barbara, who have helped me with my miscarriage. They’ve both been through similar circumstances and I don’t know where I’d be without them either. I wouldn’t be here today without both of you. I met Barbara first, and she got me through my first mother’s day. Colleen helped me get through both school and life. She’s been there every step of the way and she still checks in on me when she knows times are getting rough.

This is a post from another blog I posted in from school, but I thought it was important, so I’m reblogging it here!

Unruly Bodies

Why does what I’m wearing define my sexual orientation? I’m a 22-year old female, and I often change the way I dress, even on a day-to-day basis. I may feel like wearing a tight skirt, heels, make-up, and jewelry and shaving my legs on Monday. On Tuesday I might wear sweatpants and a T-shirt and throw my hair in a messy bun, and on Wednesday I may wear a baggy pair of guy’s jeans with paint stains on them, a tank top, and skater shoes but do my hair in a cute way. I enjoy dressing in any way that makes me feel comfortable, and I usually do.

But recently, I got a girlfriend, and even though I dress the same way I’ve always dressed, with my same unique style I’ve always had, I’ve heard some interesting comments, even from people that I know care about me and aren’t trying…

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This blog is simply a list of songs and lyrics that I find helpful when I’m having a rough day

Codeine by Trampled by Turtles

“I like long walks and sci fi movies”
-Fake Palindromes, Andrew Bird

“There’s a kind of emptiness that can filll you
There’s a type of hunger that can eat you up
There’s a cold and darker side of the moonlight
And there’s a  lonely side of love
There’s a certain kind of pain that can numb you
There’s a type of freedom that can tie you down
Sometimes the unexplained can define you
And sometimes silence is the only sound”
-Hanging by a Thread, Nickel Creek

“I’m a bottle of diet poison”
-Bull in a China Shop, Barenaked Ladies

“They won’t hurt you like I will”
-Konstantine, Something Corporate

“Kiss me out of desire baby not consolation,
Oh and it makes me so angry
‘Cause i know that in time…
I’ll only make you cry,
This is our last goodbye…”
-Last Goodbye, Jeff Buckley

“We never said our love was evergreen
Or as unchanging as the sea;
But if you can still remember
Stop and think of me.”
-Think of Me, Phantom of the Opera

“Well I feel too young to hold on
And I’m much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage I’ve done”
-Lover, You Should’ve Come Over, Jeff Buckley

“It’s all about joy that comes out of sorrow”
-All About Soul, Billy Joel

“When I think more than I want to think,
Do things I never should do,
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because it brings me back you…”
Lilac Wine, Jeff Buckley

“My house is a green Honda Civic
My bed is the passenger seat
I play guitar every night on the boardwalk
So that I can get a bite to eat”
-Boardwalk, The Leify Green Conspiracy

“One day you’ll see her and you’ll know what I mean
Take her or leave her she will still be the same
She’ll not try to buy you with her time
But nothing’s the same, as you will see when she’s gone”
-This Side, Nickel Creek

“Close your eyes when you don’t want to see
Stay at home when you don’t want to go
Only speak to those who will agree
Yeah, and close your mind when you don’t want to know
You have lost your innocence somehow
But everybody loves you now”
-Everybody Loves You Now, Billy Joel

“We came together, fell apart
And broke each other’s hearts”
-Remember When, Alan Jackson

“She’s just a lonely woman singin’ an I miss you song
The same one I’ll be singing when you’re gone”
-John Harrell

“Does his hand in your hair feel a lot like a thing you believe in
Or a bit like a bird stealing bread out from under your nose?”
-Bird Stealing Bread, Iron and Wine

“I helped her live and made her want to die”
-Can’t Complain, Nickel Creek

“One day I’ll come back if the door’s still open
Just promise to keep your heart broken”
-Keep Your Heart Broken, The Rasmus

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