So normally I don’t make a New Years Resolution, because really who is going to go to the gym every day for a year? But during the last week of 2012, I hooked up with a friend of mine who I didn’t particularly want to hook up with, but I did anyway because I knew he wanted to and I didn’t know exactly why I didn’t want to, and I didn’t want to argue with him about it. And as soon as we were at my apartment I knew I didn’t really want to have sex. But then I felt guilty for inviting him over and not “following through.”
I’ve realized that I do it more than I think I do, and that I’ve been in denial about doing it for some time now. Too often I’ll hook up with a guy one time, and then after that he’ll think that every time we hang out we need to have sex. Or I’ll hook up with him because I know it will make him happy, even though I know it won’t make me happy. In fact, it makes me miserable. But for whatever reason, I feel guilty saying no. I’ve let myself be pressured into it, and I’ve let myself be talked into it, and I’ve had sex simply because I didn’t feel like explaining why I didn’t want to. And the sad thing is, the guys I hook up with aren’t the type who would probably even be upset if I said no.
With all that being said, my New Years Resolution is to not have sex with anyone that I don’t want to. I’m not saying I want to stop hooking up with people altogether, but I at least know what I want from a hookup now. I want someone that I will talk to again and be friends with after, someone that I can talk to about something serious if need be, I want someone who has good chemistry with me, and I want someone who will understand if I don’t feel like having sex that night.
I’m not looking for a relationship, but I deserve my dignity like anyone else. And I don’t have to explain why I don’t want to have sex if I just don’t feel like it.